The Nightly News Is Torture –and My Powerball Numbers! Uncategorized


Welcome to host Chuck Mertz’s review of the Nightly network TV news, posted every weeknight.

Here’s tonight’s news.


Powerball’s rich allure will certainly distract the network news from any real information that will directly affect my life — unless I happened to be the person in Missouri or Arizona who hit on all six numbers, or the people who hit five numbers and each won a million bucks.

Wait, I haven’t checked my numbers yet.

Sorry, lemme get back to that later.

ABC World News Tonight starts with big loser Mitt Romney dragging his sorry ass through the White House’s supplicant doggy door to meet President Obama.

It’s sad, it’s pathetic and it’s not news, let alone being the top news story of the night. I mean, what is ABC telling us when they place this meaningless photo op at the top of the news?

Was this a favor to someone?

CBS Evening News does start with news that directly affect most Americans: it looks like the housing market might actually be rebounding.

NBC Evening News covers a new report showing Arctic ice is melting at a record rate. The semantic gymnastics that NBC has to go through in order to avoid saying the ‘C’ words is breathtaking. How you can still get through an entire news story like this without saying ‘Climate Change’ is beyond me.

Please, NBC, tell me I’m wrong. Tell me I missed one reference to ‘Climate Change.’ I want to believe journalism is not so spineless today that reporters are afraid to use the term ‘Climate Change.’

Look, if you think it’s such a politically charged term, then use something EXTREME like ‘Global Weirding.’ It sounds cool and all the kids are using it. Yes, I realize that for the nightly news demographic, ‘kids’ include any male under 55.

When NBC goes to Mrs. Alan Greenspan — reporter Andrea Mitchell — you know something insane is about to happen. Okay, maybe it’s only me, but she drives me crazy. It’s just that every time I see her, I can’t help but think that there’s something journalistically questionable about NBC hiring as their Washington correspondent a person who is in a long-term relationship with, and a few years after being hired gets married to, the Federal Reserve Board chairman.

In Mrs. Greenspan’s spot on Palestinian recognition/nonrecognition by the US, she shows the US Ambassador to the UN denouncing the UN’s move to recognize Palestine … but not entirely recognize them.

Not mentioned in tonight’s news, but linked in The Nine Circles of Hell! here, is that Ms. Rice and her husband (really?) have money invested in TransCanada, which is involved with Keystone XL. That’s the Mordor-creating Alberta tar sands project that will strap a pipeline down the middle of the US right to the Gulf Coast so the nastiest of crudes can be poured across our country to be shipped overseas.

ABC suddenly becomes a torture fest.

Reporter Brian Ross has some story … they seem to be warning us about the images we’re going to see… Ross is doing a report that’s on … oh God … the story’s about … wait … did this security camera footage show somebody shocking a schoolkid? … did they say the kid was autistic? … and there’s no rule or law against this? … is that kid crying for them to stop? … WAIT? … are they strapping him down to shock him again? … WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

Let me get this straight: you can show this on the news, but — and I can’t think of a more appropriate time — you can’t say ‘fuck’ on TV? Doesn’t this story beg the question ‘what the fuck?’ to be asked over and over again? After all, isn’t that what the audience wants to know right now: ‘Excuse me, but what the fuck?’

ABC, CBS and NBC all get in on President George H.W. Bush being in the hospital. Nobody reports the USA TODAY study showing that there are superviruses in hundreds of USA hospitals.

Why is 41′s health more important than everyone’s? And isn’t it important to 41 that hundreds of U.S. hospitals have superviruses?

Again, I linked the supervirus story in today’s Nine Circles of Hell!

ABC continues to creep out with reporter Amy Robach covering people escaping polygamy from the Warren Jeffs sect.

I don’t know why, but she is. I mean, isn’t this story kinda played out? I guess the big news is — now that Jeffs and many other male members are in prison for the sexual assault of girls from 12 to 15 years old — the state’s coming in to repossess all his shit. This also means those who didn’t get arrested gotta go.

I get it. Jeffs is a creep. But it’s over, Johnny. It’s over. All that’s left is the dust settling — and there’s lots of it — from these poor, dumb folks skeddaddling.

So, while these creeps kinda needed to be outed, now this is just gettin’ kinda sad.

And reporter Robach chasing down some folks who do not want to be talked to is a bit vulture-y. Especially when Amy goes running after a big Ford F-150 pickup truck, Robach’s New York City trenchcoat furling behind her as she gets lost in the impoverished street’s loose dust kicked up by the spinning tires, yelling, “Sir! Sir!,’ as she holds her microphone up triumphantly like a torch in the storm.

It was magnificent.

That is, if you gave two shits about the Warren Jeffs sect polygamy story any more.

I know I don’t.

BP is really laying out the ad money to the network news broadcasts lately. So is the fracking industry, but especially BP. They laid it on so thick I didn’t see one network report this week that the US government has suspended all federal contracts with BP because of “BP’s lack of business integrity,” according to the Environmental Protection Agency.

CBS closes with some story on the USS Enterprise. Every time I see a military story that’s about something other than action, I figure it’s a little quid pro quo, playback for access to embeds and cool flyovers during wars. That means, I turn the channel.

NBC ends with this story about a picture some woman took that’s making all the rounds on the Internets. Let’s see, it’s of a guy doing something, I think it’s a cop talking to a homeless guy, c’mon, c’mon, I gotta get to the last ABC story. They say it’s cold out, but the cop doesn’t seem to be that warmly dressed. The homeless guy doesn’t have shoes. Alright already, so what’s this story about? Is it about the picture, the photographer, the cop, the homeless guy? The cop goes into the store, it’s a shoe store, and the cop goes in and THE COP BUYS THE SHOELESS GUY SHOES!

Wow, that took a long time. But I think the reporter did it right, as I’m a bit teary-eyed. I’m not sure if it’s from squinting at the picture or being emotional, but it’s getting a bit misty in here.

Too bad she took so fucking long to tell me someone snapped a picture of a cop talking to a shoeless guy and then bought said shoeless guy shoes.

The weird thing about the story is the ABC reporter, whose name I missed, says ‘The officer didn’t just protect, but he served.’

Look, buying some guy shoes goes above and beyond, and this guy should be commended. I get that.

But a cop is ALWAYS supposed to serve AND protect. Don’t make like when it comes to the cops that serving is optional. Sadly, too many cops think serving ain’t mandatory — and it’s really too bad that there ain’t more cops like this guy.

By the way, I did not win Powerball.

That means I’ll be back tomorrow.




  • Jim Smithe

    Great fucking post! I did not win Powerall either. Thank you Chuck.