The News Tonight: A Dream Come True Nightly Network News Review


CBS Evening News led off tonight with the jobs report. CBS loved the story so much they even got in a plug for a growing online company called which sounds suspiciously like CarMax.

NBC Nightly News started with the ‘flu epidemic’ that’s rocking America. Every network would get to the jobs and flu stories, but they wouldn’t all cover ABC World News Tonight’s top story.

ABC began with a report on a pilot being stopped from flying a passenger plane while drunk. I don’t know why, ABC can’t help themselves when it comes to a travel nightmare story, especially when it has to do with flight. Speaking of which, ABC gets to gratuitously use a clip from the movie ‘Flight,” which is weird as “Flight” is a Paramount Production and they’re owned by CBS, not ABC. But this Conde Nasty Traveler report that ABC is doing on the drunk pilot must be for a reason, right? This must be as big an epidemic as the flu outbreak NBC led with, correct?

Nope. On average, 12 pilots are busted for drunk or attempted drunk flying each year, according to ABC reporter Lisa Stark.

So, who gives a shit? Nobody but ABC, which is obsessed with the difficulties of air travel. Seriously, they’re like that whiny person whose free soda isn’t coming fast enough, and isn’t cold enough when it gets there. In this day and age and for what you’re paying, you’d think while experiencing the miracle of flight at 500 mph, you could at least get an ice cold pop.

All of the networks get to the Sandy aid vote that finally passed. Not that it’s ‘gonna’ help anytime soon. NBC has a New Yorker who says it’s “gonna” take forever to get that money even if it has been released.

None of the networks mention the UN report saying there are one million Filipinos currently in need of food after the devastating Typhoon Bopha. Haven’t heard of Bopha? That’s because it didn’t hit the US or go through Times Square.

ABC does get to Malala Yousafzai tonight. She’s the girl who was shot in the head during an assassination attempt in Pakistan over her promotion of education reform. On Wednesday, ABC spent more time on ESPN’s Hannah Storm and the burns she suffered when a propane grill exploded. Hannah’s back to broadcasting. Malala’s just getting out of the hospital. Haven’t heard of Malala? That’s because she doesn’t work at ESPN.

ABC mentions a huge New Year’s Eve solar flare. I get all creeped out when anchor Diane Sawyer shows how big the explosion is compared to the size of the Earth, saying, “A message about size from the galaxy.” It’s the way she said it and the fact that it means absolutely nothing. Diane, your production staff photoshopping the Earth next to a solar flare is not a ‘message from the galaxy.’ Unless that’s how you announce the arrival of each of your emails, texts and phone calls. I can see it now. Each time her smartphone goes off she yells, “Attention everyone, Diane Sawyer has received ‘a message from the galaxy!’”

Both ABC and NBC are fascinated by the picture of Princess Diana at 19 years old with some mystery man looking at her longingly. The picture has the words “not to be published” on it. That doesn’t stop the networks from publishing the personal photo.

Meanwhile, CBS is covering The Journal News and its Christmas Eve Eve publishing of the names of gun permit owners and an online map indicating where they live. There’s a debate over whether that should be published as it’s in the public record, but there’s no debate over whether the picture of Princess Di that says “not to be published” should be shown on TV. The Journal News has been threatened and has even hired armed guards to protect the paper in the ultimate act of irony. CBS interviews a gun owner who says that since the paper published his records, he doesn’t feel safe leaving the house. Of course you don’t. You’re an unnecessarily paranoid suburban gun owner who ain’t using his arsenal for hunting. You’re one of the very scared, frightened, paranoid people who are holed up in your homes, safe with their guns. I say, stay there. Don’t go out … and enjoy your fucking gun.

Also, if you’re worried about your neighbors knowing that you own a gun, why did you just go on CBS Evening News and tell everyone you have one, and you’re freaking out?

NBC does some climate change news. It’s all the same. It’s worse than anyone predicted and far worse than Al Gore thought it would be when he was being labeled by The Media as a ‘chicken little.’ Thanks, NBC, for covering climate change, even though your sponsors, our elected political leaders, are not debating the issue.

NBC closes with the ‘Making a Difference’ segment they end with most Friday nights. Tonight, it’s a volunteer who is sending needed equipment to US troops overseas. The report says that it’s easier for citizens to get goods to troops than it is for the military. If citizens are able to supply the military easier than the military itself, then this should have been the lead story on every network.

ABC ends with anchor Diane Sawyer infantilizing the new Congresswomen for the second straight night. Last night, Sawyer had them respond to questions by raising their hands like school children. Tonight, she starts by looking at baby photos of each. Then she asks them, what’s the best advice they ever got “for making the dream come true”? I’m not sure, but I think Diane’s about to ask them what tree they could be if they could be any tree.

My dream has come true. The network news recap blog takes the weekends off and I don’t have to watch this crap for you until Monday.

See you then … or on tomorrow’s This is Hell!




  • Jim Smith

    Is it the military supplying the troops, or a private contractor(s)? Maybe, if this government WAS of, by & for the people, we wouldn’t even have to band together to equip troops overseas. Or is it that the market is just not “pure” enough yet? Market eugenics… how could anything go wrong?