The News Monday Night: You Dumb, Dirty Apes
Would you like to reinforce your belief in the stereotype that all Americans are idiots? Then may I suggest watching the US national nightly network TV news shows — ABC World News, CBS Evening News and NBC Nightly News.
Tonight’s news featured snow, a fake, a hole in the ground, celebrities, a 911 tape, and YouTube videos.
That’s right, all of today’s most important news.
At least CBS led with medical correspondent Dr. John LaPook reporting on the infant in Mississippi being cured of HIV. While it’s a fascinating scientific find, more importantly it yet again proves they really start ‘em young down in Mississippi. Or, try this one: Mississippi-seein’ is Mississippi-believin’ that HIV can be cured.
NBC medical correspondent Dr. Nancy Snyderman, meanwhile, comes in halfway through a ten-minute report on a 911 call in Bakersfield, California. Apparently, NBC led with the story of a 911 call from a nursing home that reveals attendants did not apply CPR to a woman who would later die. Snyderman tells us that the woman would have died anyway.
In fact, all three networks spend time playing the tape. I’m certain the family appreciates the nationwide broadcast of 87-year-old Lorraine Bayless. I know I would enjoy hearing a recording of the emergency workers trying, and failing, to save someone I loved. More so, I have learned so much from hearing this brutal tape, the audio of which could be used to torture the less heartless. I now know it’s legal to not help out someone who is dying. I also now understand that ‘Good Samaritan’ laws will protect most anything that’s done in order to save a life. Finally, I now realize that if you are the kinda dick who won’t give CPR to an old lady, don’t worry, you may not have been able to save her life anyway.
Again, not only is this on all three network news broadcasts tonight, NBC leads with ten minutes on the story. ABC led with their old favorite: video of cars crashing in the snow. ABC: news for people who only watch for the crashes.
NBC segues from the CPR story to the Queen being sick. There will be more Queen news from NBC. Don’t worry.
There’s a beautiful advertising moment following NBC’s in-depth investigation into the 911 call that seemingly didn’t matter. NBC goes to a BP ad. That’s not surprising. There’s been plenty of BP ads lately, what with their trial over the Gulf of Mexico spill going on right now — and not one network reporting it. The BP ads tell viewers how much the company has done to clean up the Gulf and the lives they fucked up. After hearing how much BP has done to bring the Gulf back to life, the very next ad promotes Culver’s new ‘North Atlantic Cod Filet.’ For some reason, I have a feeling that an ABC ad exec is dealing with very bitchy phone calls from buyers at BP and Culver’s.
ABC by now has moved on to the Vatican. Apparently, some impostor Cardinal sneaked in, even getting his picture taken among the conclave or whatever the fuck this ridiculous thing is called. CBS reporter Mark Phillips tells us the important Vatican news that the Cardinals want a new Pope by Easter. Seriously? Can’t you expedite this a bit more? I mean, you got a whole fucking ‘conclave of Cardinals,’ and that’s gotta be as much as a ‘murder of crows,’ and that’s a lot. (Did you know that a group of altar boys is called a ‘rape’? I was shocked, too. OK, it’s not, really, but you thought it was for a second, didn’t you?) Every day the Church drags this decision out is less time the news can devote to more important information. Oh, who am I kidding? They’d likely just waste the time on another celebrity who doesn’t deserve the attention.
Speaking of which, ABC thinks Barbara Walters’ return to ‘The View’ is worthy of their news. This in-show advertising for another ABC show wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t consider this: ABC spent more time on Barbara Walters recovering from chicken pox than they did on the Mississippi infant who was cured of HIV! If only Barbara Walters had been cured of HIV, maybe ABC would report the story. ABC, please do everything you can to get on this right away.
On to another network and more idiotic celebrity news. NBC anchor Brian Williams finds time to tell us that thin First Lady Michelle Obama doesn’t want her skinny daughters to have a complex about weight, so she never brings it up. Every part of the story makes me think they’ve all got a complex about their weight.
Williams then breaks the horrible news that the Hess Oil Company is going out of business, which means no more Hess Oil trucks under the Christmas tree, as has been the tradition. That’s the same Hess Oil Company that was fined $845,000 just this past August for air pollution. They were then forced to install $45 million in anti-pollution equipment. Of course, that was not reported on the Nightly News or any network news broadcast.
Williams is on a roll with dumb news after stupid information. Oddly, ABC’s moronic ‘Instant Index’ segment is nowhere to be found tonight. Is it the end of the trivial nonsense of which ABC would nightly absolve themselves by saying the content of ‘Instant Index’ “was submitted by viewers like you”? If it is the end of ‘Instant Index,’ then Williams is clearly ready to step in and give us a nightly dose of bullshit. After the Hess Oil truck heartbreaker, Williams somehow finds the locusts threatening Israel — also currently devastating Egypt, but Williams leads with the threat to Israel — ironically humorous. I mean, I get it, with the Bible and the locusts and Egypt and Israel, but don’t just sit there and imply a ‘nudge-nudge, you know what I mean?’ Say something. Make a dumbass joke like a drop from ‘The Ten Commandments’ of Edward G.Robinson saying in complete 1930s gangster dialect, ‘Where’s your Messiah now, Israel?’ I mean, if you’re going to go this far man, take the fucking leap!
But Williams ain’t done yet. Did you know the Queen has two personal guards that vary in height from 7’2″ to 5’6″? I didn’t either. Now, I’m wondering what piece of information that’s actually useful was just squeezed out of my brain. Thanks, Brian Williams, for filling my head with the meaningless factoids that will likely be the only thing I’ll utter as a rambling old man riddled with Alzheimers.
“Little Jimmy! Did you know the Queen has a guard who is 7’2″?”
“Yes, Uncle Chuck. Because you’ve told me a thousand times. And quit calling me ‘Little Jimmy?’ I’m 46 years old!”
ABC reporter David Curley does an investigation into overspending in Washington. Don’t worry, it’s not investigative journalism, per se. I mean, sure Curley discovers that the federal government spent $400,000 on portraits of leaders in the last year. And yes, to you and me that’s a lot of money. And sure, have your anti-tax, antigovernment freak on saying, “That’s real money and real waste.” This is the kind of investigative journalism that doesn’t rock any boats. It’s nickel-and-dime. It’s penny ante. Nobody cares. But Curley uncovered it. Curley not only tells us the ugly truth of the portraits, he then mocks his own report by showing how he can get his photo enlarged onto a canvas at Costco. The worst part is neither Curley nor the tax expert get what this is really about: arrogance. A class of people who feel entitled to have a portrait painted of them because they manipulated the system in a way in which they ended up with Cabinet posts. That’s the bigger story that Curley totally misses. If I were him and I was thinking about my career trajectory, I would miss that angle, too. I’d leave the story as a cute bit about government waste that has little effect on anyone and move on to another mundane investigation.
I’m glad I only caught the very last line of NBC’s Chuck Todd: “Can a candidate named Bush be a candidate for change?”
CBS and NBC both go to YouTube to find the final stories. For CBS, it’s something posted online called ‘Kid President’ that looks cute, and who gives a fuck? NBC show a high school basketball player hitting a three-quarter court championship-winning shot. You now have the right to punch anyone who says to you tomorrow, ‘Did you see that shot last night?’
ABC reporter Mark Guttman ends with gorillas tonight. Guttman’s coverage must be on the new UN report revealing that almost 3,000 great apes are killed or captured in the wild each year because of rampant illegal trade. That was definitely today’s biggest gorilla news story. In fact, I think it was today’s only gorilla news story, so that’s gotta be what we’re waiting for from Guttman, right? Guess again. Guttman instead tells us of a baby ape who was rejected by its parents and, as Guttman boasts, “Then humans stepped in.” Actually, Mr. Guttman, humans stepped in a very long time ago and it probably led to many of the reasons why we now have apes rejecting their kids — and human zookeepers teaching the poor kid how to be an ape.
Mr. Guttman, you do realize this kind of bad reporting, missing the bigger picture, ignoring the more important news — this is how the whole ‘Planet of the Apes’ thing begins, don’t you?
No wonder the rest of the world thinks Americans are stupid.