12 months ago
The News Monday Night: America Scared Nightly Network News Review
“Made in America” … “America Strong” … the only patriotic thing missing from ABC World News tonight is the fife and drum. But first, let’s get to what ABC does best with “America Scared” — which really should be a segment. Look! Extreme weather and lightning strikes right by those Major League Baseball players who run for cover! I told you you’d get scared.
CBS Evening News opens with a far more frightening story: IRS hearings with the new chief saying, “A trust has been violated.” Senators want someone to go to prison. You know the deal: IRS agents go to prison, bankers don’t. Luckily you already know these unwritten rules. That way CBS correspondent Nancy Cordes doesn’t have to tell you. And you can bet she does not.
NBC Nightly News correspondent Pete Williams opens by telling us that the US Supreme Court has ruled that checking citizens’ DNA is legally equivalent to taking your fingerprints. But did you see those lightning and tornado shots on ABC? Because if you didn’t, there’s more. Who cares about IRS hearings and Supreme Court rulings when ABC correspondent Ginger Zee can eulogize the deaths of her storm-chasing “friends”?… apparently? I’m really not clear on her relationship to the three who died chasing tornadoes. Nor do I know who the cowboy-hat-wearing, sheriff-looking guy is on ABC who says of the now-dead storm chasers’ research, “There’s really no value in what they’re doing.” For some reason, nightly TV news is not quick to vilify people who can score cool tornado footage.
ABC reporter Matt Guttman suddenly breaks in with a school scare somewhere… kids running everywhere… chaos… no injuries or dead reported… yet… more later… but there never will be any more later… and I’m getting a bit more “American Scared.”
ABC anchor Diane Sawyer then explains what’s happening in the Turkey protests that have turned violent. Get these descriptors: it’s “Turkey’s Arab Spring” because the nation is run by “Turkey’s Mubarak.” Well, that’s that. Thank you, Diane. That explains everything.
CBS anchor Scott Pelley unveils their newest correspondent, Condoleezza Rice. Condi’s gonna go all objective journalist and give us her insight into what’s really happening around the world. Sure enough, Condi holds nothing back. She explains how President Barak Obama must decide whether he wants to get involved militarily in Syria or not. Fascinating. It’s inoffensive insight like that that gets you invited to the fanciest DC cocktail parties. Anchor Pelley must know, Condi, “What’s at stake in Syria?” Condi replies that Syria falling would mean, “Iran into Lebanon, Jordan, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain… ” Sawyer’s a piker! If you wanna be “America Scared,” simply find a member of the Bush administration that had the testicular fortitude to say, “We don’t want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.” The people who make their living scaring the fuck outta America are never far from The Media’s spotlight.
ABC goes “On The Road” – sorry, CBS — with reporter David Muir doing something very American in something very American that’s built in this very America. The quintessential American activity and product rolled into one is… the Winnebago RV! Muir tells us it’s so “Made in America” awesome that even “foreigners” — yes, he used the word “foreigners” in the “Made in America” segment — are traveling here to drive around the great United States of America in a Winnebago RV! He backs up his claim with an interview of an Australian family that’s Winnebagoing around the US of A. Wait, in the entire continent of Australia, can’t you get an RV? After a quick search of the web, I found this. Why would Australia have so many great places to RV without having RVs? Maybe they simply don’t have amazing Winnebagos. Ah, Winnebagos and RVing: the American pastime of driving around aimlessly, not having to talk to anyone in small town America because there’s no need to use the local hotels or restaurants. The joy of consuming large amounts of CO2-producing gas and oil so you can have your own fortress of solitude on wheels. It’s perfectly programmed with your pre-selected iPod tunes, Pandora mixes, Netflix downloads, everything personalized to your specific tastes. You are kept safe from all of America that lurks outside your locked doors and tinted windows.
Last time on “Made in America,” Muir was excited about Bimbo’s shit pastries coming to America. He also was giddy over Mary Kay’s ‘pink pyramid’ scheme going down to Mexico, finding new suckers, I mean, agents. Not sure what Muir thinks is being “Made in America,” but I am scared it’s gonna go off any second now.
ABC moves into their pointless trivia news segment, and NBC joins in. That’s right, ABC anchor Sawyer and her ‘Instant Index’ of bullshit has won. NBC has now stole ABC’s look. While Sawyer bores us by reporting on a new egg sandwich at Dunkin’ Donuts — seriously — NBC anchor Brian Williams goes deep into celebrity cancers of Angelina Jolie and Kim Kelly. Oh, and Edith Bunker is dead. Williams even shows the same MLB game-interrupting lightning ABC showed earlier. So it’s over. CBS’s Scott Pelley’s our last chance at not going all ‘morning show’ during the evening news.
Allah help us all.
ABC ends with correspondent Bob Woodruff featuring the story of kids who don’t get birthday parties. But when you are “America Strong,” that kinda shit don’t happen. So there’s some “America Strong” person who makes sure these kids have birthday parties. Damn straight. Birthday parties! America Strong!
The other two networks, ABC and NBC, end with stories on the Boston Marathon bombing victims who survived but are now amputees. I’m not sure why this is being reported now, but I am certain it is a story of resilience and courage.
I’m sure they were “America Strong.” Although reminders of the Boston Marathon bombings keep us pretty fucking “America Scared.”